my dating life is on hold – permanently right now.  seriously.  the real one is still in my life, as a friend.  though we do occassionally sleep together.  i don’t think it’s healthy, i sleep with him when i don’t want to be alone at night.  i know it’s not a big thing, we’re friends, nothing more, nothing less. 

i met a guy i really liked and i actually thought he was the one.  in retrospect, i wonder if i liked him because he liked me?  and it did help that the sex was off the hook!  hmmm, just thinking about it… but anyway, it didn’t work out.  he said it was the distance, i just figure he didn’t really know what he wanted in the end.  and you know what?  maybe i didn’t either.  i was tired and ready to give up, and being with him seemed like the easy option out.  i won’t lie, i was sad when it didn’t work out, but i’ve always believed that rejection is God’s protection.

so after a couple weeks of being sad, i realised that i needed to move on.  and you know what, when one door closes, another one opens.  my first week back at work, i find out i’ve been promoted.  is there any better way to start the year?  (well yeah, the salary appropriate to the position, but that’s another drama, that i won’t dwell on).

i’m counting my blessings, i might be single, but i have good friends and family, my health, a job, so onto the next one.

this year, its going to be about enriching me as a person and just getting to know and love myself.  happy new year people

but i’ve been good.  started going to the gym in the morning, i just wasn’t leaving work early enough, i was constantly exhausted.  so i’m not any less tired, but at least i’ve got my daily workout.  it feels so good too!

i’ve applied for my naturalisation so in a few weeks i’ll know if i’ll become a british citizen.  that will make it easier for me to move around – trust me, constantly getting visas is no fun.

the real one is beginning to get on my nerves.  i could do with the not seeing each other, with the no sex and all, but i just don’t think he really knows what he wants (and i take exception to the fact that whenever someone calls him and he’s talking to me he always calls me back – why can’t he tell them he’ll call them back?!).  so i’m just putting that on ice for now – i feel like i’ve said this before?  but yeah, for once i want a man to chase me, a man to want me so bad that i’m a priority in his life.  is that really too much to ask for?

my saving plan hasn’t really kicked in, i actually feel so useless.  why can’t i achieve my personal goals the way i can achieve my career goals?  really terrible.

did i mention that i might be able to transfer from my diploma straight into the second year of the MBA?  i’m so excited, i can’t wait, but it is a waiting game, while i wait to hear back from the school.

ok must go to bed, need to get up early for my hour gym session.  is it terrible to have that as the highlight of your day? (though my boy in miami seems to like the way it’s working out for my body lol)

so maybe there is something to be said about that rule that says you should hold out for the longest time – though in our case it’s really more about the fact that i don’t have a choice – i never see him!

ok enough about Ye – he’s not worth it, got far more attention than he now deserves.  So back to ME!  i have been so busy at work – working with a couple of tools increases your workload – so that’s why i’ve been neglecting my devoted readers (sorry to all 3 of you!).

first major news, i ended my subscription with eharmony – it was pretty intense, but i just realised that i’m really not ready to be in a committed relationship – i have way too many issues and clearly not emotionally stable (oooh chace crawford is fit – ok focus).  so i guess i should cross out being in a realtionship on my list of  goals.

(last diversion, but how does beyonce still look so thick when she’s skinny in real life?  it’s true what they say about tv adding 10 pounds… that and i guess the fact that my widerscreen makes everyone look short and kinda fat – i did to figure out the settings.)

the real one is still in my life, we still chat – man, who knew i could have this long a ‘relationship’ without having sex with him?  its weird, he seems to be interested in me but he just never seems to want to see me.  anyway seems he’s too busy trying to get paid.  i guess just watch this space to see if it develops.

today i had a great workout – did 60 squats!  was thinking i wanted a butt like amber rose, then realised she really doesn’t have that great a butt after all – or has she been letting it go?  but still gotta have my butt just a bit tighter…  i know i’m obsessed.

and great news – looks like i’m going to get my MBA qualification after all.  i will confirm in the next few days/weeks, but fingers crossed.

alrighti, until next time

I did enjoy it, it was a nice, feel good, rom com.  As usual rom coms aren’t exactly not predicatable, but it was nice anyway.  As for Margaret being like me… hmmm maybe just a little… Ok, maybe a lot!  I’m still unapologetic about it.  Oh well.  (except did margaret not steal the grandmothers necklace at the end?  she didn’t leave it on the bed with the wedding dress and flowers, but was wearing it at the end during the interviews…?)

hmmm looks like trouble is brewing in the short lived world of relationships.  After all that, looks like the real one might not be ‘the one’.  Not sure when it started to go pear shaped.  We had the weirdest arguement where i felt he wasn’t listening to what i was saying and wanted to talk about what he wanted to talk about, not addressing my issue.  Then it went into something about how people having insecurities was their own problem and not his because he doesn’t have any insecurities.

That sort of got my back up, cos i thought he was referring to me (yes paranoid is my middle name).  So i challenged that perhaps him and his uptight (i didn’t really say uptight) rules and principles made him seem perfect and everyone less than so of course people felt insecure around him.  Of course that got him defensive too.

We didn’t speak at all the next day (yesterday).  Today we had a brief conversation on email, but haven’t called each other – i’ll probably cave and call him – hey, i’ve invested a month, can i get some more tongue action before we call it quits for real and officially become friends?

Besides, i like my men to be men – caveman type, hit me over the head (not literally) and drag me into his cave!  If you want me make a move.  i just don’t believe that a man who’s into a woman (despite what Steve Harvey says), won’t pursue her, he doesn’t ever ask to see me!  Sigh, guess men really can’t multi-task.

Ok i’m going to light some candles, take a bubble bath and have a chilled glass of rose – it’s time to start the weekend on a good note.

But it doesn’t make the ‘what’s going on here’ questioning any less.  I just don’t get men.  They seem to be really into you on one hand and on the other, they don’t ask you to be their girlfriend – what’s that about?  Ok, reading the Steve Harvey book (yes it is my relationship bible)  i get the whole men are driven by who they are, what they do and how much they make and that until they get it they’re too busy to focus on a girl… oh wait, have i just answered my own question?

Ok, maybe that’s true, but how come it doesn’t work that way for women?  i can be trying to figure out who i am (which i’m doing now), figuring out what i want to do (while doing what i do), and working on getting my dream financial figure, but still have time to give love and attention to a man.  It’s not multi-tasking, it’s having a life no?

So the question is, do i hang around waiting for him to be ready or do i keep it moving?  Let me be honest though, it’s been a long time since i met somone so interesting, someone who wants to get to know me, makes me laugh, is an amazing kisser and responsible (he’s into us getting tested for all sexually transmitted infections before we have sex), so i do want this man, KIM doesn’t seem like an option for me right now.  But on the other hand, i could be waiting a long time – we’re in a recession, who really is making the kind of money they want to be making?

Maybe i should stop kissing him.  I don’t particularly need another male friend – i have a great one already – but the more i kiss him, the more i want him and if i’m going to be hanging around, i can’t want him that much.  does that even make sense?  hmmm… am i focusing too much on this one goal of being in a relationship?!  need to start focussing on the other goals.  er haven’t been to the gym in about 2 weeks now, yikes!  But what am i going to do about this man?!  i’m in unchartered waters heres.

so i spent £110 on a pair of boots – they’re cute, but they aren’t all that.  i still didnt feel better.  i decided i needed sugar, that would make me feel better surely.  a kit kat and a dairy chocolate bar later all i felt was sick and slightly high (those sugar rushes do work).  totaly oblivious to the fact that not only had i just spent a ridiculous amount of money on an item i didn’t need and wasn’t in love with, but now i’d consumed about a 1,000 calories.  sigh.

in the end i sent my sister a message on facebook about how i was feeling.  she replied with some comforting words and, it’s a miracle,  now i feel better.

oh well, i’ll look cute in the boots anyway.  i just need to wait for autum to rock them – no matter how ridiculous this so called summer is, i refuse to wear boots in the ‘summer’!

my point is, sometimes all we ever really need is to talk to someone who cares and maybe even get a little hug.  oh dear, me, of all people, is advocating intimacy and invasion of personal space – what is happening to me?  oh screw it, hugs can be nice – from the right people.  anyone at work tries to come anywhere near me to give me a hug and i’ll punch them in the throat.

i look at it this way, every time you have sex you give away a piece of yourself, and when there isn’t that much of your self, you’re giving away your lifeline.

and if we go back to thinking that your body is a temple, you really should just be giving yourself to people who matter, people who truely care about you. i feel like some old fogey saying that, but when you look at the highly sexualised society we live in, it really makes you wonder how we’ve got to the point where we treat sex like it’s nothing. we’ve made it so that kids who aren’t emotionally (and in some cases physically) ready to have sex think it’s ok to have sex, and then they’re having multiple partners too – there’s something very wrong with that. it’s almost how you’d imagine gomorrah to be.

but enough about everyone else, i’m on a road to discovery and i can’t afford to give any more of myself. so now it’s time to start putting me first and stop my dysfunctional sexual habits. though i do wonder how long this process is going to take, i don’t know how long i can not have ‘interactions’ for…

ok there’s lots you could get out of it, faster promotion, better salary, better job etc but the problem with brown nosing is that if you do it well enough, the teacher, boss etc, ignores the little things (i.e. the fact that you’re really not doing your job) and you don’t get to grow and learn from your mistakes. so what happens when, God forbid, you need to find a new job? well you can hope that your career of sucking up will still work for you or deal with massive behaviour modification.

personally i’m not a fan of brown nosing (in case i haven’t made this clear already) – even when i’m the intended target – because even if i like you, i’ll still separate that from the fact that you’re just not cutting it. albeit i might be nicer at it and choose a nice way to tell you you suck, but i’ll still do it.

what i’m saying is that brown nosing might work for you in the short term but long term, it really is you who suffers, unless you’re fortunate enough to work for the same person for the rest of your life, or a series of ego maniacs.